Starting to get nervous at this stage of the game. It's not so much the labor and delivery part I am worried about (of course those thoughts are also constantly flooding my brain) it's the worrying about leaving him to come back to work. I haven't even had him yet and already I am terrified to leave him in the care of my MIL or someone else. I am glad that we will have someone to watch him during the day when I have to go back to work - but at the same time I don't want to have to leave him with anyone.
I know she means well, but every time we see her she is talking about when she will get to watch him during the day. The time is already going to fast for me. I know it will be my first day back to work before you know it, but that is the last thing I want to talk about. I haven't even gotten to relish in the sheer wonderment and joy of mommyhood and already I am having to leave him in the care of someone else! Stop! Please just stop talking about it! The anxiety is killing me. I won't mind sharing him, but to give him up completely for weeks on end is making freak out. I am screaming inside my head every time the topic comes up (which is all the time). It might be a happy and joyful time for her, but for me it is torturous. I can't bear to think about it.
I really wish my OWN mother was closer (which she is working on by the way) For some reason I think I would feel differently about it if it were my mom. Is that totally fucked up? It seems rational to me.
I plan on breastfeeding as long as possible - I know this is a lofty goal and all I have heard is horror stories about when the mother has to return to work. The baby gets used to drinking the breast milk from the bottle, the baby gets used to a synthetic nipple, the baby gets used to a certain way they are held when they fed by someone else during the day, and the next thing you know - the baby no longer prefers the MOTHERS breast or the way the MOTHER holds them to feed...so the mother has to give up hopes of breastfeeding and pump milk into a bottle for the baby to drink because that's what he is doing all day every day.
I am about to cry right now even writing this. How is this even fair? This is my baby and he won't even be used to me after a few weeks because I will gone at work. I don't think it is right for any mother to have to be away from their infants - especially when breastfeeding. And having to leave them in the care of someone else. I know I should be looking at the other side of the spectrum and seeing it as something to be grateful for - to have a very involved grandmother and that she wants to help and that she wants to care for her grandchild.
This is why I labeled this post rational/irrational. I am so torn! I absolutely have to work, no questions about it. I don't get any extra time off and I am PISSED about it. I want at least another month with my newborn baby. 3 months old sounds better to me than 2 months old leaving him. It is just too young. I like him in my belly. Now I don't want him to get here so soon. Honestly, I don't know if I am ready to share him just yet.
That sounds really scarry Hillary! not an irrational fear at all. you HAVE to go back to work when he's two months? is that an American thing? that sucks. I work at a daycare sometimes and know how hard it is on mums--it's harder on them than the babies for sure. but you're right and you are lucky to have a supportive grandmother.
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I actually found out that I qualify for 6 weeks standard EDD, and I can qualify for another 6 weeks of FLMA. Hopefully this will put me more towards 3 months. I also have a few weeks of vacation that I could use - but I think I want to try and save that so I can take some other little breaks throughout the rest of the year.
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